Shouting Secrets Out Loud

ive changed my blog , www.azaaaaa.blogspot.com :)

have you ever wondered that what you did in the past , some people , maybe not the people you might think , but still they , who thinks about what you did , or what they did , and probably what they should have done that could change the outcome , because it was not a pretty picture to remember forever .

it just goes to show that what you do affects the people around you , whether its intentional or not , it does to that affect , i have now realized that what i did to other people was far beyond what they deserved , i would really love it if i could take back time , change all the things i did wrong , but i cant , now i am in a state of regret .

here i would like to say , IM SORRY , truly whole-heartedly i am , for those who i did hurt , for those i have let down , for those that hate me , i am sorry , really i am , i am sorry because i cant be what everyone wishes , to be thin , to be smart , to be tall , dark or even handsome , i am sorry .

i know all of you have had your days , days like what i am having right now , days that make you feel down , like a failure , who did not made what we wished , i am having this day right now , a day whiched i regret what i have done in the past , i cant change it i know , thats why im writing right now . tc

i see its clear , very clear right now , my run continues , and i dont even know how to stop it from happening . This keeps happening ,i learnt to cope with it , but honestly , i dont want to cope with it , this sucks , shit. i can only hope that something in the near future could change me , present me hasnt been a good friend to me , we'll see what future me holds , am keeping my heads high for what coming and hope its for the best . i know to all of you whom may read this seems weird that i talk like this and could not understand what am saying , but i just have to let my feelings out once in a while :)

today wasnt very pleasent for me , BM exam was today , me waking up to shower and pray seems so hard to do , but i did eventually , got dressed and went to school, skipped assembly by being in class , studied(hah) and had the exam , it was okay i guess , i crap alot , so yeah it was fine , just peachy .

after walking home from school i showered again and went to De with haikal bulu and arep , lunch . soon after me and arep went to afiq's for some mindless games , and we werent dissapointed for there was a computer and ps2 just ready to be clicked on .

after about 3 hours , around maghrib , went home and showered again , i shower alot actually haha , so anyways , went for dinner downstairs then played rubiks cube , until now , ive almost mastered completing it , it is quite addictive, you should try it :) toodles

Dear girl ,

I feel that the time has come for me to have a girlfriend . I know you're out there somewhere . Dont worry , ill find you . whether its intentional or not , however the surrounding will be , ill find you , and hope that you're searching for the same thing as i am .

And when i do find you , i hope you'll love me because im aza , not because im apai's , yameen's , or even amil's brother . I hope you wont be embarrassed when my clothes dont match , or be annoyed when i want to watch arsenal on ESPN , instead of the OC .i hope you remember that i play football , not basketball , and that i play offense , i cant play defense that often nor goallie , and that every weekend i like to go out to watch a movie .

i pray that you'll love me despite my tendency to forget birthdays , and if your parents invite to dinner , please right me their names really small on my hands so i can use it as reference . Please know that i will always act strong and in control ,  but inside i am actually lost and confused (just dont tell anyone) . Please dont worry for me if i fall or hurt myself while playing . Instead , be there to mend my wounds with kisses .

Understand this , loving each other means being together , but not all the time . We should never bail on our friends . Also understand that i may at times jelous and over protective ,  but only because i have insecurities and not because you are not doing anything wrong .

And if we fall out of love with one another , please dont hate me . and if i cry infront of you , please dont laugh at me . Please know that i am sensitive ... in a manly , tough kind of way . Please be honest with me without being hurtful . After all , i am a boy. And i promise to always be honest with you , because you deserve honesty . i promise to open doors for you and buy your tickets for movies when we go out .

No , youre not fat , so please dont constantly ask me if you look fat or not , and you dont need makeup either . dont be upset if you cut your hair i didnt notice , i will still love you in levi's and a t-shirt .

I hope you dont think i'm asking too much from you , i just want to be happy making you happy. Im coming to find you , so dont go anywhere .Stay wherever you are , whoever you are . And by the way , im Aza.

Yours always ,

Aza

today at school , was unexpected , seriously i didnt expect this would happen ;O

so okay after assembly we all went back to class as usual  , idilea reading a book caught my attention , it was a Chicken Soup For the Soul , a book that i thought could make even a jock cry , i thought . i didnt think that id be interested in reading a book with such caliber , but something did caught my eyes . my attention was caught with a staggering look on my face .

i saw that she read a column in the book that was about what girls like in a guy , i asked idilea if i could borrow that book for a sec to check to see what girls dig in guys , i read , i smiled , i laughed , literally i did . but it was a good laugh , not because it was funny , but because i read that i could be like this guy , a guy that girls love , how we always would be embarrased to say i love you infront of our friends , i didnt think that girls notced that , i read that girls like guys more after seeing guys being confused after a girl was mad at him .

i didnt think that girls noticed anything about that though , then i thought , maybe girls really are aliens, HAHA okay kidding , but i was surprised nontheless , being impressed with the book that i thought was bad for me , i felt good reading that , then gave back the book to idilea and gave her the chance to read . after recess we had qatam quran's rehearsal , so we skipped physics(ho yeah) then after reaching home , i did what every guy wished not to .

i saw on a shelf upstairs that were 5 or 6 books of Chicken Soup For the Soul 0_0 my eyes deceived me , or did they not , i dont know . so then i browsed through the books and found a book for teens , i secretly and discretely took the book out of the shelf and went to my room quickly as possible . in my room , usually i would just go and open my laptop and then onlined until buka , but then again , i didnt .

i opened the book , i did and saw that they were many stories about what people are dealing with , there were categories in fact , there were about relationships , family , friends , and many more , i felt something inside me that i wished i hadnt , i felt sensitive (WHAT THE F**K) , or maybe that was just gas , haha i dont know .

i read through the relationship and this one story spoke to me , to not be afraid of what other people think , this story was about a 16 year old boy , who liked this girl name Susie Summers(name changed to protect the fantastic) okaaay so i thought . the story wasnt long and it wasnt short either , but good nontheless , this boy of 16 like this girl for a long time , she was great , her smile , which sparkled between two twinkling eyes , was electric and made people who received it feel very special(copy pasted from the book itself) .

while her physical beauty was astounding , her invisible beauty the boy remembered most , and will always remember .the book said that she really cared for others and was a talented listener , her sense of humour could brighten up your day and her wise words were exactly what you needed to hear , she was respected by both sexes , and she was extremely humble . She was every man's dream .

the boy will walk her to class everyday and once he even had lunch with her all by himself , he felt on top of the world . the boy figured that a girl this outstanding was dating someone far better than him , eventhought he was the president of the student body , he knew he couldnt stand a ghost of a chance , after graduation he said goodbye to his first big crush .

about a year later he met the girl's bestfriend , and had lunch together . with a lump in his throat , he asked how Susie was, her reply was unbelievable and the boy couldnt even speak , susie was in love with him , really was and the bestfriend told him that he was cruel to her by the way he led her on , always walking her to class and making her think that he was interested , eventhough he was .

Susie still remembers the time that they had lunch together and waited all night long for him to call her to ask her out , but he didnt . the boy was afraid of rejection and never risked letting her know how he really felt about her . the boy cried and soon after regretted that he didnt made that call , that call that wouldve made him the happiest guy on earth , what makes it worst is that he probably could have, but he didnt . the end .

i dont know about you guys , but i felt that i too am afraid of asking a girl out , it is scary , wondering what she would say and hoping that she likes you back , very stressfull , but i would like to know what she thought about me , so okay , done , enough ! this is too gay , shits -_-" should i post this ? haha babi la i dont know , whatever happens , happens .

so soon after that i slept and missed chemistry tuition class until buka , after buka i showered and prayed , at 9 i played a little street soccer with 5 other guys , it was a 3 on 3 game , other people didnt show up -_-  it was tiring yet fulfilling , after that we went to DE for a while then went back home , hoping tommorow we wont have to study at school , haha , tc

today was fun , ho yes it was , after achieving to finish my LK final exam last thursday  , being one of few who did , i felt good about myself , and i was about to celebrate it . i woke up today hoping that school wouldnt be so bad as it is every other day of the week , but my asumptions were of course wrong , during PE we played in class a whole lot and talk about girls , duh  wawawa .

During recess though i had a challenge , a powerslide challenge . first up i challenged joe , he accepted with great pride(ceh) , i won by inches but he didnt admit it , i destroyed his dignity , haha hokay this time my knees were not so injured , the second battle was with zamir , i won by metres , haha only i rule , yeah i do . the game is actually between the sc1 class and ik1 , we have to run and after a certain line , then we have to powerslide until we stopped , judging was made with where our butts are located , haha

after that i just slept through agama and physics , then i had to walk back home after fendi left me haha , apala , reaching home i had to quickly shower and have to go to friday's prayer , so i went , walking again -_-" after prayer , afiq invited me over to watch harold and kumar's bla bla bla that new movie that they were in , so i accepted , but my flipflops were across the mosque and i had to run :/

after almost didnt made it , i made it back across to meet with afiq , just to get the message that afiq had already left because of reasons that his dad wanted to rush , rush what that i dont know , so i had to walk back home , again , feeling tired i didnt feel like going to afiq's and stayed home instead , onlined a bit and then just laid down on the bed , trying to sleep but i know i couldnt , i dont know why.

anxiously waiting for 5 o'clock , i watched a bit of tele , reaching 5 i went to the mall to meet up with zamir , bulu and fendi , we walked around the mall for a bit then decided that we were bored , haha . we all chipped in to buy a deck of cards that i kept until now , haha , anyways , with rm1 per person it wasnt that wasting after playing an hour at the fourth floor of the mall , it was dusty though , urrgggh i think there was a dead fly beside me 0_0

zamir thought me a new game , police , haha it was reaaaal fun , upon 6 o'clock we decided to put the game elsewhere , couldnt stand the dirty floor , yeah we did sat on the floor at that time . we went to pelita early just to save seats for the party that was coming to join , while waiting we played police , haha mamaks all around were curious and kept asking us to not gamble here , haha it was funny man .

we ate there after azan was heard , i ate a beef soup of somesort that was quite good to go with rice, yummm :9 the meal was rm7 , which leaves me with rm1 , haha after eating we played some more police at pelita until it was 9 or something , cant recall , but yeah time flies when your catching criminals(ceh) . after that we went to the arcade for some mindless non-thinkable fun, and we did have fun .

i used up my alst dollar on 2 tokens which i didnt use , yay -_-" , we played mostly photo hunt on the computer thingy , we reached the 20th level but didnt get the highscore , stupid game haha . after that afiq told us that he was going to pick us up to go round round , but he said he'd pick us up at khaz's , haih , so we walked , we i mean as me , ariff , aiman , azril , fendi , khaz , and bulu , ajib and zamir went home early , had to . aiman gave them a ride on his motor , i didnt dare , haha i was scared of aiman's motorcycling skills , still not confident enough to ride him for the second time , after the first time , ooo ill remember that time , didnt get hurt but yeah , memorable :o

we tried playing taiti in the middle of the street whilst waiting for afiq to come pick us up , but the guard was watching intently of what we were up to :/ haha oh well , afiq picked us up and sent fendi to anggerik mall to meet up with his gf , i dont know why he likes that place so much , bleargh :o after sending him we wanted to go to DE 11 , after reaching beside the restaurant we decided that we were too tired and went home , afiq sent me home then arep .

it was not the best day of my life or the best day of anyone's life , but it was still a good day to spend with your mates , playing cards and rounding shah alam , haha .

i havent been that much busy with activities thats why i did not post anything for almost this whole week , fasting is boring , during this holyness month of torture , i havent been going out much and i havent been all that giddy at home either , just sent my sister to the airport earlier , she's gone back to UK , i sent my eldest brother yesterday , so during raya it'll just be me , alone , shit . i dont really care much about my little brother haha(Y) , and he'll probably be hanging out with my other cousins that are the same age as him , lucky him.

the best part about this upcoming raya is that , i'll be the eldest relative there , wuuhuu -___-" i dont really use my phone that often anymore , just cause . i dont really have someone really to talk to , people are either busy or either making themselves unavailable for reasons that make not much sense at all , heh , you can feel my feeling esctatic ey ?

plus to that one , i got the news that khaz and kai might move to JB , now doesnt that jsut put the topping on the icing filled cake of death , life's changing minute by minute and i soon will have to cope with what will be changed , whether i like it or not , yeepeeyahoo . everything for me now seems to be falling apart , yet still seems allright , ironic.

CIMG1249

forever they will be a tommorow ,
forever there will be a dream ,
for so ever how long dreams will last ,
dreams never die , but are forgotten .

how so ever people change ,
they will for the sake of others ,
how so ever others change ,
it makes you want to follow others .

you with your black skirts and ciggarettes ,
what makes you feel to do so ?
to hang out with the dumbs and jerks  ,
and never will stop to see the snow .

however things change ,
for the worst or the better ,
you know i will be here ,
cheering for your bright sweater .

friends are what people want ,
friends are not ones that cheat  ,
friends would not curse behind our front ,
and surely curse with our beats :)